What Every High-Achieving Woman Needs to Know
Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in a frustrating double-bind—like you’re simultaneously holding yourself back and expecting way too much at the same time? If so, you’re not alone. Dr. Claire Zammit, founder of Feminine Power and pioneer of women-centered coaching, describes this as the paradox of women underestimating and overestimating themselves at the same time. Understanding this nuanced dynamic can be a game-changer, especially for high-achieving women.
Let’s dive into how this paradox works—and more importantly, how to break free from it.

How We Underestimate Ourselves
This phenomenon—underestimating and overestimating oneself simultaneously—reveals the complexity of how we perceive ourselves. Many of us tend to:
- Feel “not enough.” There’s an internalized sense of inadequacy—a belief that we don’t measure up to our own or others’ expectations, especially in areas like leadership, relationships, or self-care. We might tell ourselves, I should have done more, even after completing a long to-do list.
- Downplay our strengths and achievements. We may focus on what we haven’t done or where we don’t feel competent, rather than owning our wins. This often stems from societal conditioning to be humble or not “too much.” For instance, we might receive praise for helping a friend through a tough time but quickly downplay it, thinking anyone would have done the same, rather than acknowledging the empathy and care we showed.
- Question our value or worth. Even when we’ve achieved success, we might feel like we got there by luck, not because of our skills (hello, imposter syndrome!). Or we might not be able to enjoy our success, because the minor imperfections hold our focus.
How We Overestimate Ourselves
At the same time, we can paradoxically overestimate our capacity to handle everything flawlessly. This shows up as:
- Expecting perfection. Many of us believe we should excel at everything—career, parenting, relationships, health—often without proper support or rest. For example, we might expect ourselves to work 12-hour days, maintain a spotless home, and still show up for every family obligation.
- Over-relying on willpower. We might assume we can push through challenges or emotional barriers without addressing underlying needs or asking for help. This can lead to burnout and frustration. We might think, I just need to try harder, even though we’re already exhausted.
- Overestimating control over external circumstances. When things don’t go as planned (e.g., weight loss stalls, a relationship falters, work projects fail), we might take it as a personal failing, assuming we could have prevented it by being “better.” For instance, if a project at work fails, we might blame ourselves entirely instead of acknowledging external factors.
Why These Patterns Co-Exist
At first glance, underestimating and overestimating ourselves may seem contradictory, but they’re two sides of the same coin. Here’s how they reinforce each other:
1. Internal double-bind.
Societal conditioning has created conflicting messages, encouraging us to strive for perfection, while simultaneously telling us we’re inherently not enough. For example, we may push ourselves to earn multiple promotions or accolades, believing they will finally make us feel worthy—only to find ourselves still feeling the same inside. This creates a push-pull dynamic: striving for excellence while feeling that it’s never enough, traps many of us in exhausting loops of proving, striving, and burnout.
2. Avoidance of vulnerability.
Underestimating ourselves keeps us from taking big risks (I’m not ready, so I won’t try), while overestimating ourselves keeps us from asking for help or admitting limits (I should be able to do this on my own). For example, we might hesitate to take a leadership role because we doubt our readiness but refuse to ask for mentorship, thinking it’s a sign of weakness.
3. Focus on external validation.
We often seek to prove our worth through external achievements or by meeting others’ needs. This perpetuates both underestimating our inherent worth and overestimating how much we can (and should) accomplish to “earn” that worth. We might say yes to every request at work or home, believing we have to be everything to everyone.
Breaking Free from the Double-Bind
The good news? These patterns are not permanent. Breaking free requires a shift from external validation to internal alignment. Here’s what that looks like:
1. Reconnect with Our Intrinsic Value
Our worth isn’t tied to our to-do list or our achievements. We can start noticing our inherent strengths and the unique contributions we bring to the table. One helpful exercise is to write down three things you’re proud of each day that aren’t about achievement or meeting others’ expectations—for example, how you handled a difficult conversation, stayed present with a loved one, or honored your need for rest.
2. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Let’s be gentle with ourselves when things don’t go as planned. Recognize that imperfection is part of the human experience, and give ourselves permission to rest, recharge, and try again. For instance, if you miss a workout, you can acknowledge your exhaustion and re-strategize, instead of criticizing yourself.
3. Balance Ambition with Support
We don’t have to do it all alone. Building a network of support—whether through friends, mentors, or a coach—can help us honor our limits while still pursuing our goals. Imagine sharing responsibilities at work or asking for help with household tasks to lighten your load.
4. Tap into Feminine Power
Dr. Zammit’s work emphasizes the importance of shifting from striving to creating. Instead of constantly “pushing,” we can lean into intuition, self-compassion, creativity, and connection to move forward with ease and alignment. This allows us to show up as our whole selves, embodying the qualities of both the masculine and feminine energies within us.
We Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone
As a certified women-centered coach trained by Dr. Claire Zammit, I specialize in helping women unravel these patterns and step into their full potential. Together, we’ll work to reconnect with our intrinsic value, break free from self-imposed limits, and align our goals with our deepest desires.
If you’re ready to stop underestimating yourself, stop overloading yourself, and start thriving, I’d love to hear from you.
Contact me today to explore how coaching can support your journey.